Joke of the day thread

[Hedgehog]

Wine does not make you FAT - it makes you LEAN...
Against tables, chairs, floors, walls and ugly people.

[Hedgehog]

:D

[Hedgehog]

Hope this touches you the way it touched me!

GOODBYE MOM


A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him..

She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son."

He answered, "That's okay."

"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out 'Good bye, Mom' as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy."

She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "Goodbye, Mom."

The little old lady waved and smiled back at him.

Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries.

"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk.

"How come so much? I only bought 5 items."

The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said
You'd be paying for her things, too."


Bet you thought this was going to be a tear jerker.



Don't trust Little Old Ladies!!!

[Compass Rose]

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure .

A young attractive female student nurse appears in his room to give him a partial sponge bath. He mumbles, from behind the mask, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around and around gently.

Then, she takes a close look and says, "No, sir, they aren't, and I assure you there's nothing wrong with them!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,

"Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely..... "

" A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s -b a c k?"

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[Hedgehog]

HOW TRUE IT IS

Another year has passed
And we're all a little older.

Last summer felt hotter
And winter seems much colder.

I rack my brain for happy thoughts,
To put down on my pad,

But lots of things, that come to mind
Just make me kind of sad.

There was a time not long ago
When life was quite a blast..

Now I fully understand
About 'Living in the Past'.

We used to go to friends homes,
Baseball games and lunches.

Now we go to therapy, to hospitals,
And after-funeral brunches.

We used to have hangovers,
From parties that were gay.

Now we suffer body aches
And sleep the night away.

We used to go out dining,
And couldn't get our fill.

Now we ask for doggie bags,
Come home and take a pill.

We used to travel often
To places near and far.

Now we get backaches
From riding in the car.

We used to go out shopping
For new clothing at the Mall

But, now we never bother...
All the sizes are too small.

That, my friend is how life is,
And now my tale is told.

So, enjoy each day and live it up...
Before you're too damn old!!


You pass this way only once so enjoy
it while you can; Live A Lot, Laugh
A Lot and Love A Lot!

[Hedgehog]

EVE'S SIDE OF THE STORY


After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve... 'So, how is everything going?' inquired God.

'It is all so beautiful, God,' she replied. 'The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem.

It's these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They're a real pain.'

And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc. She felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more 'symmetrically balanced'. 'That's a fair point,' replied God, 'But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away.'

And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes.

Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.

'Well, Eve, how is my favourite creation?'

'Just fantastic,' she replied, 'but for one oversight. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone.'

God thought for a moment and said, 'You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Let's see......where did I put that useless tit?'

Now doesn't THAT make more sense than all that crap about the rib?

Send to men with a sense of humour & women who figure this makes sense.

[Hedgehog]

Job Application

Murphy applied for a fork lift operator post at a famous Irish firm based in Dublin. A Pole applied for the same job and since both applicants had similar qualifications, they were asked to take a test and led to a quiet room with no interruptions by the Manager.
When the results were in, both men had scored 19 out of 20.

The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you for coming to the interview, but we've decided to give the Pole the job."
Murphy, "And why would you be doing that? We both got 19 questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish surely I should get the job."
Manager, "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you got wrong."
Murphy, "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than another?"
Manager, "Simple. On question number 7 the Pole wrote down, 'I don't know.' You put down, ‘Neither do I’."

[Bear]

[Hedgehog]

Lipstick in School (You've got to love this …….)

According to a news report, a certain private school in Brisbane was
recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were
beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was
fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips
to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the
girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called
all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance
man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major
problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you
can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses). To demonstrate
how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the
maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and
cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on
the mirror.

There are teachers.... and then there are educators

[Hedgehog]

During a commercial airline flight an Air Force Pilot was seated next to a young mother with a babe in arms. When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible. The pilot pretended not to notice and, upon disembarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related items. When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, "Gosh, that's a good looking baby... and he sure was hungry!" Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said that time spent on the breast would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ear.

The Air Force Pilot sadly shook his head, and in true pilot fashion exclaimed,

"And all these years, I've been chewing gum."