THE BLITZ EXTREME CAGE MATCH: COL T vs [hirr]Leto

[Copper]

(announcer)
IN THE RIGHT CORNER, WEARING GHEY PINK TRUNKS WITH A BROWN STRIPE UP THE BACK FROM SOILING HIMSELF.... THE CHAMPEEEN OF THE KNOWN COMBAT MISSION UNIVERSE AND GREATEST GREATEST GREATEST PLAYER THAT EVER PLAYED THE GAME (Hey, I didn't write that... must be a gimmick thing thrown out there by the promoters... REALLY.)

LETO

(The crowd rises up and begins booing, led by a strange and mysterious cabal of hooded members who shall not be named... Large cabbages and bullet sized tomatoes zip from the trenches of the crowds and pelt Leto mercilessly... a full on mob riot of pure HATRED boils over and police and SWAT teams are called.... On one of the far stadium bannisters, Mark Sweeney jumps onto a railing overlooking the ring, gets naked, waggles his little dinky like a mini-propellor and flips Leto the TRIPLE BIRD while hooting like a madman out of Clockwork Orange.... several hours later... the scene has been pacified by rigorous truncheoning and pepper spray and the calling of the match continues...)

(announcer)
IN THE LEFT CORNER, HAILING FROM SHE-MALE CITY, USA... IN THE (oh my god), UHMM... WEARING NOTHING BUT A JOCKSTRAP G STRING LACED WITH RHINESTONES AND SPORTING A SKULL AND CROSSBONES CUP FITTING.... THE ONE, THE ONLY, NOW DEPOSED ELO LEADER OF THE BLITZ LADDER....

COLONEL T(ea bag.... as an expose on this swinging bisexual wrestler has found out through many secret back room interviews... a nickname he picked up... well, we won't get into that here)

This match up will feature a pre made and troop imported map that brings in an assortment of goodies, oddities, circus acts and rare items that usually is not seen in the average bear type ME...

The PREMISE:

Mirror cage matches... viewed RIGHT HERE... sporting the following imported troops on each side plus a 1500 point unrestricted purchase... June, 1944...

For the RUSSIANS:

1 Platoon of Stuarts (3)
1 Churchill (57mm guns)
1 Valentine (75mm gun)
1 Romanian R-35
1 Romanian T-38
2 TAC AM 60's
2 TAC AM R-2
1 300mm Rocket spotter
1 Company of Romanian Pioneers (3 platoons, 3 FT)
2 Trenches
5 Barbed Wire
1 TRP
1 Wooden bunker with MGMG - Maschinengewehr [GER]

MG - Machinegun [ENG]


1 Pillbox with MG
1 Pillbox with 76mm ATAT - Anti-Tank [ENG]
gun


On the AXIS OF EVHUL SIDE:
1 Nashorn
1 PZR M/15 (47mm gun)
1 Puma (50mm gun)
1 PSWPSW - Panzerspähwagen [GER]
234/3 Heavy AC (75mm gun)
1 Hungarian Toldi iia (40mm gun)
1 Hungarian platoon of Turan II (3)
2 Platoons of Hungarian Pioneer
1 280mm Rocket Spotter
2 Trenches
5 Barbed Wire
2 TRP
1 Wooden bunker with MG
1 Pillbox with 75mm AT gun

The purchase points somewhat favor the Axis, but the imports were bought for balance...

This is a mirror game where one of the mirrors will be broadcast live over at WaW... and the other one RIGHT HERE... so smoke em if you got em!


In this match I have the Axis of Evhul side.

As this is an armor heavy match with many oddjobs, circus freaks and rarities on both sides... I have to go heavy on armor myself.

My kit of sucker punch death (I know, someone out there is writing me up a ticket for being overly "tricksy"...)

5 Panther V
1 Coy of SS Cavalry
2 PZSHRK
3 81mm Mortars.

I need to have a trump card on Dave's Soviet Circus funnies, but feel rather nekkid going into this match with no AT (other than the bunker) and only light infantry... totally not my M.O.

STRATEGY

The left flank is where I plan on driving my blue meanies... I hope to catch Dave with a few hard jabs to the kidneys and then pull back the elastic on his G-string cup and crush his little nuts. This is the most open area of the map and I want to drive fast to get in behind his lines and hopefully catch his infantry deploying from the back setup zone...




In the middle, the Hungary hungary hippos need to hold their ground as they will most likely be the only thing standing between the town and Dave's troops. I see that Dave's placed a MG pillbox to keep me in place, and I will have to bring a panzer up to take it out (rock paper, panzers... panzers beat rock.)



On the far right, I plan on sending the bulk of my troops to take the large flag on the hill. They will be supported by my Hungary hungary hippotanks... and a German 47(t)... I'm hoping that if Dave is sending some of his Engineer troops up to take that large flag, I can gun them down with the German Czech tank. If not, the Turan Turan's with the really bad hair will be hungry like the wolf, and level that building, Romanian piggy's and all. The Turan Turans also will be inplace to menace the town with HE, hoping to get in a few haymakers on Dave's Romanuck Engineer dudes.



TURN 1

AS you can already see... things are not about to go well for Daveykins.... I trot out the ole ballbreaker move and blast away at his little column of funnies... end result... one left nut (aka his Churchill) crushed into nut goo. Four of the Romanian R-2's and Tac Am's were in that column, but the tough old Churchill sucked up all the AP and allowed the Romania light armor to back out of harm's way... DRAT.

Note in the background, my rocket spotter is unloading a large cart of Coil dirty diapers into El Davo's backfield... and notice that I gave the old snooker move to at least one of his vehicles (PLEASE BE A TANK, PLEASE BE A TANK...) It appears that the rocket spread did nicely and may have hit some areas where his infantry and tanks were staging...



OFF to a rollicking good start... It seems I have the masked El Davo by the nose hairs and am swinging him around and into the corner post for an opening turn smackdown.

This Cage Match is far from over... El Davo has many nastry tricks and a manager that keeps a large metal chair on the sidelines for him to use when the ref's back is turned... HE knows where my AT bunker is... and he's seen my Nashorn... hopefully that is all the intelligence he gets... along with his sore nuts.

(announcer:)
THE CROWD TRUMPET CALLS BOOS AND CONTINUES TO THROW USED NEEDLES, LIT CIGARS AND THE OCCASIONAL PLAGUE INFESTED RAT AT LETO... LETO IGNORES THE CROWD AND TOWERS OVER THE STRICKEN DAVE, (WHO IS CRUMPLED IN THE CORNER HOLDING HIS NUTS) AND DOES A RANDY THE MACHO MAN "HEEEEEEYYYYYYAAAHHH" STRONG MAN PUMP... THE CROWD GOES WILD WITH BOOS AND HISSES. A STRONG SMELL OF URINE WAFTS UP FROM THE MATTED DAVE OH MY, I THINK HE'S WET HIMSELF!

THIS CROWD ABSOLUELY HATES LETO... I'M BEING TOLD THAT HE'S ALREADY RECEIVED SEVERAL DEATH THREATS... MY GOD, I'VE NEVER SEEN ANYTHING LIKE THIS!!! THIS LETO HAS GOT TO BE ONE OF THE BIGGEST DOUCHEBAG'S EVER!!!

; )

Cheers!

Leto