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I was hitting on a girl in the bar last night.

She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."

I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."

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I went to another bar last night and saw a fat bird dancing on a table.

I said, "Nice legs."

The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."

I said "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now. "

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Was in the pet shop last week, when I noticed a Muslim with the most amazingly coloured parrot perched on his shoulder…

"Where did you get that from?" I asked,

" Birmingham , there's thousands of them!"

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I went to the doctor and asked him to give me something for persistent wind. He gave me a kite.

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I said to the doctor can I have some sleeping pills for the wife. He said why. I said she keeps waking up.

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I wouldn't say the wife's ugly but the milkman tried touching me up the other day.