06-08-2012, 04:53 AM
A blonde bought a top-of-the-line sports car. Coming in for the first scheduled maintenance she complains of occasional bad smell inside. The technicians can't find anything wrong, so the blonde insists on one of them coming with her on a test drive.
She floors the gas pedal and never lets go, with no regard for other cars or pedestrians, road conditions, speed limits or traffic signs, right of way, or laws of physics. After they arrive (miraculously back in one piece) at the services station the blonde turns to the technician and says: "Can you feel it now?"
"Feel it?" replies the pale technician, "I'm sitting in it!"
"Good morning, this is your captain speaking. Our flight will proceed at 30,000 feet with clear skies and on sched... OW! S**T! WHAT THE F**K IS THAT?"
After a brief, but tense pause the captain comes back over the PA system in a much calmer voice. "I apologize, it's just that the rookie hostess spilled hot coffee on my lap. Good thing you can't see what the front of my pants looks like now!"
One of the passenger remarks: "It's even better he can't see what the back of my pants looks like!"
A skydiver relates the story of his experience when the main parachute failed to open: "Until my reserve deployed, I felt like a bird - flying and crapping all over the place!"
Two gentlemen in a club are discussing a recent safari. "I had just field-stripped my rifle, when a lion jumped out of the bushes and charged me! He was so close, if he didn't slip now and then he would have caught me before I could reach the jeep and lock myself inside it."
"Sir, I salute your bravery. I would have probably just soiled myself."
"Well, what do you imagine the lion was slipping on?"
She floors the gas pedal and never lets go, with no regard for other cars or pedestrians, road conditions, speed limits or traffic signs, right of way, or laws of physics. After they arrive (miraculously back in one piece) at the services station the blonde turns to the technician and says: "Can you feel it now?"
"Feel it?" replies the pale technician, "I'm sitting in it!"
"Good morning, this is your captain speaking. Our flight will proceed at 30,000 feet with clear skies and on sched... OW! S**T! WHAT THE F**K IS THAT?"
After a brief, but tense pause the captain comes back over the PA system in a much calmer voice. "I apologize, it's just that the rookie hostess spilled hot coffee on my lap. Good thing you can't see what the front of my pants looks like now!"
One of the passenger remarks: "It's even better he can't see what the back of my pants looks like!"
A skydiver relates the story of his experience when the main parachute failed to open: "Until my reserve deployed, I felt like a bird - flying and crapping all over the place!"
Two gentlemen in a club are discussing a recent safari. "I had just field-stripped my rifle, when a lion jumped out of the bushes and charged me! He was so close, if he didn't slip now and then he would have caught me before I could reach the jeep and lock myself inside it."
"Sir, I salute your bravery. I would have probably just soiled myself."
"Well, what do you imagine the lion was slipping on?"